In Fixing Delilah, Delilah spends an entire summer up in Vermont settling up her deceased grandmother’s estate. It sounds all quaint and charming, but in reality there was a lot of manual labor and tons of garage sales, not unlike the ones I had to sit through when my I was 13 and my own grandmother died.
Garage sales are good opportunity for getting rid of old stuff, especially the stuff we’ve held on to for far too many years. One girl’s trash is another girl’s treasure, right? Right. So take a look at some of the *treasures* that represent my high school experience and see if any of them make you reach for your wallet (or run the other way).
Act now… these bargain basement beauties are priced to move!
1. The love letter that almost ruined my life, $500. I say $500 because you can’t really put a price on the evidence of one’s eternal mortification (and poor decision-making sills), but $500 comes close. So I was totally in love with this boy in 9th grade, and since I really thought he liked me, too, I decided to speed things along and write him a 4-page letter professing my undying devotion. That’s when I learned a hard truth: although this boy was “really flattered” that I offered to be his “soulmate,” he didn’t like my new haircut. And also, he showed his entire football team my weepy love letter. I still cringe to think of it, so $500, $5, whatever! Just please take this memory off my hands!
2. Dark green B.U.M. hoodie from Chris, slightly worn, $5. What is it about getting a guy’s sweatshirt that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? I wasn’t even together with Chris, he was just a really good friend. In fact, I was one of the only girls in our group that didn’t end up dating him, hence our friendship has remained intact to this day. But he gave me his B.U.M. hoodie and I loved it so much it was like my signature piece for two years in high school! Okay, when I say “slightly worn,” I mean, all that’s left of it is a little yellow “B” for B.U.M. that was on the front. I cut it out and saved it in my mementos because I’m sentimental like that. 🙂 But not so sentimental that I won’t part with it for some cold hard cash! By the way, here’s a shot of me and Chris, circa 1993. Don’t ask why I’m half asleep and wearing a clothespin and a little plastic gun on a string around my neck, because that’s obviously a story for another day.
3. George Michael poster, $2. George hung at the foot of my bed with his sunglasses, leather jacket, and just the right amount of 5 o’clock shadow in his post-Wham, pre-gay days when he was sexy as hell and I still thought I had a chance. George sang me to sleep every night and he knew all my secrets. And now you can know him — at least, this poster version of him — for the low low price of two dollars!
4. Triple Fat Goose down coat, Merry-Go-Round, circa 1992, $20. I literally slept under this coat the first month I had it (not because I had no blankets, but because I wanted to marry the thing). I wore it all winter, I wore it on days when it was too warm for a coat, and I wore it to formal events over my dress and heels. Seriously. I don’t know why I thought I was such a badass gangsta that year, living out in the white-bread country part of a snobby suburb, but there you have it. My “TFG,” to use the vernacular, was like a giant sleeping bag and covered me from neck to knees, but at least I was warm. And for one little Andrew Jackson, you can be warm, too!
5. The Best of 90s Rap Boxed Set, $10. 10 cassettes featuring such rap classics as Naughty By Nature, Geto Boys, Dr. Dre, Showbiz & AG, and many more! Continuing on that suburban gansta girl tip, I was a troubled rap aficionado stuck in the parallel life of a sweet little sophomore, droppin’ beats in my curly-haired head as I let the funk flow through my Sony Walkman. Holla! Since Sony regrettably retired the Walkman last month, you may not be able to find anything to play these things, but they’re still collectable and, for the rock bottom price of ten bucks, all yours!
6. Kodak Disc instant camera, slightly dented, $5. This baby accompanied me everywhere and captured lots of teen memories, from sleep-away camp to homecoming to the summer I kissed twenty boys… yeah. It was a great little camera, slightly beat up from being alternately dropped in the sand and shoved in my backpack, but excellent at recording evidence. I mean memories. Oh, for those of you who only know the world of digital photography, this one requires actual film. Disc film. Which they probably don’t make anymore. Sigh. Hey, what do you want for five dollars?
The final item on our garage sale table showcasing priceless items from my teen years is…
7. Curling iron, $1. Yes! How on earth do you think I rocked those mile-high bangs? The curling iron, my friend, poofing up my poodle-hair and causing major fire hazards since 1985. Free bottle of Aqua Net and teasing comb with purchase! Now as for the eyebrows, I don’t know. Obviously I hadn’t learned about the benefits of tweezing yet. Just focus on that hair, and hand over your wallet, because…
WAIT! That’s not all! Supplies are limited, but we’re offering shoppers a one-time bonus deal… take the whole table for the low low price of… fifty cents! Yes! ACT NOW and… where are you going? You’re leaving? Already? Come back! This is good stuff over here!